Saturday, January 29, 2011

Grace and Gratitude

Learning to accept help is not as easy as I used to think.  Learning to ask for help when you need it is even harder.  It seems so easy on the face of it, you need help and you ask for it.  But when the need for assistance becomes a way of life and you start to feel like you are taking and taking and then taking some more, it starts to get hard.  I don't want to admit that I can't do it all. (who can right?)  I don't want to assume that other people will do my work.  I want to pretend that I can both run my household and keep up with the grueling schedule of nursing-pumping-bottles-medication that has become the center of focus.  The truth is that it takes more than 50% of my waking hours to keep Reagan fed, supplied with milk, and medicated.  That does not include feeding the other two girls and the animals...oh yeah and myself.  The part about taking care of myself hasn't been going so well and my supply is showing the lack.  So was my pantry.  I can let other things around here slide until I've got this pumping thing down, but grocery shopping really is rather essential if we want to eat.  So I asked my mom (love you mama) to come help me go grocery shopping yesterday before Reagan's therapy.  And as seems to so often happen these days the blessings started cascading.  We got the shopping done and now we can eat :)  With that monkey off my back I turned my focus on how to boost my dwindling supply.  As I was deciding if I had the energy to drive into Chino to the health food store for supplies I called my midwife's office on a whim to see if she had any advise for me.  She was busy but her new assistant who just happened to (no coincidences for God) answer is an expert on all things lactation and asked if I wanted to come over and talk to her.  THANK YOU Jennifer!  I very nearly said no, not wanting to take advantage, but I remembered that God puts people there for us.  She was able to give me some very good advise which I hope will help with this pumping thing that I'm so bad at.  Just one example of how God's grace and blessings get poured out.  By humbling myself to ask for help I was able to receive even more than I hoped for.  And that is so very needed right now.  Today was rough.  My girls are all sick.  Even Reagan.  She is coughing and we were trying above all to protect her from any chest-related illness since her lungs are so vulnerable to pneumonia.  She still does NOT like bottles and it takes a great deal of time and patience to give them to her.  This is incredibly frustrating because I know she can nurse so well.  It just seems wrong, even though I know it is what she needs right now.  My supply is not yet picking up so I am barely producing enough for her bottles.  And to put the cherry on top of discouragement, she has lost the tiny bit of weight she gained in the last week.  I forgot to mention in my post about her heart that her doctor is giving her a couple of months to put on some weight or he will be pushing for surgery.  So I am grateful for the help that keeps things sane, and the hope that we can turn this weight thing around.  And I am so blessed by three little girls who even while they are coughing and sniffling share smiles that light up my house!
Clarisse thought that Reagan needed some company during their bath time so she left Bear to "talk" to her.  Reagan thought it was great and rolled on her side all by herself!

1 comment:

Ilisa Ailts said...

Yay! Glad to hear you have support and taking it!! Those people are there to help and want to.